Saying goodbye to the selfish me
I grew up being praised by my family for being smart.
I wanted to be told that I was better than everyone else because I worked hard at everything.
In school, I studied hard so that I could be praised for being a good student.
In college, I was a hard-working student who was also a student council executive.
I was organising the student council elections.
Coincidentally, my best friend and I were candidates on opposing sides.
I knew I had to win this election.
I started spreading rumours about him.
Not directly, but subtly.
negative things about my friend.
While campaigning, I bumped into him on campus.
I was shaken and felt an inexplicable sense of shame.
I didn’t stop my mean-spirited behaviour.
Eventually, he lost the election and my friend joined the army the following year.
Time passed and I became a middle-aged mother of two.
And I began to practice meditation to help me live well.
One of them was, ‘Why did I do that to my best friend?
Why did I do something so mean?”.
Competitive behaviour wrapped up in the name of ‘passion’.
Facing myself was embarrassing and painful.
But what was worse was living with this ugly self every day.
Luckily, I have meditation teachers who encourage me and show me exactly how to meditate.
I could get rid of regrettable aspects of myself.
The me who thirsted for praise and saw even my closest friends as competition,
I used to gossip about my friends and brag about myself whenever I got together with them.
I used to look down on people who weren’t as good as me.
while secretly ignoring those who were lesser than me.
It wasn’t easy to face myself as I was.
It took courage.
I felt guilty about my past behaviours.
But the more I meditated and let go of many aspects of myself
my mind became calmer and calmer, and most importantly, I became humble.
I genuinely felt sorry for the people around me.
Especially, he who has been with me for over 20 years.
I was grateful to my friend who always called me by name with warmth.
And I realised that there is something more valuable
than winning a competition and being recognised by people.
I started to notice people who were doing their best, loving their work, and working hard for others.
In my workplace alone, these people make it possible for a selfish person like me to have a comfortable work life.
Nowadays, I don’t argue about my work hour or the division of my work.
I rush to the department that needs my help and pass on my hard-earned data and work skills that only I want to know.
At first, I felt a little wasteful and hesitant, but when I saw my colleagues thanking me, I was glad I did.
Once I let go of my feelings of superiority and inferiority, guilt and regret, I found the real me.
The real me is a life that cares about the well-being of everyone in my life.
And I don’t just think about it, I do it.
I am so happy to be the real me.
I have parted ways with the ‘selfish me’.