I habitually lie because I want to protect myself. This happened recently when I received a task from my boss at work. I wanted to finish the task quickly and easily, so I hastily completed it and submitted the report to her. However, my boss, who is meticulous, asked me to explain why I wrote the report the way I did. At the moment, I panicked but presented the main points of my report using my own logic.
At that moment, I realized that I was lying. Although my explanation and logic seemed plausible, I knew they were fake. This was because I didn’t do proper research or verify the facts of the data I used to write the report.
That evening, I meditated and reflected on my life. I thought about the lies I had told others to cover up my mistakes and shortcomings, the times I had deceived even myself, and the times I had deceived my family to satisfy my desires and needs.
I felt sorry and hopeless for myself, for wanting to hide the real me, who makes mistakes, gets angry, and sometimes says and does immature things, to others.
As I spent a few days reflecting on my self-blame and regret, the last straw fell on the camel’s back.
I was teaching a meditation class at a middle school, and the theme for the day was sharing a decisive moment in our lives. One student shared about how he and his younger brother were playing around and accidentally broke a large flowerpot in their backyard, which led to them getting chided by their parents. However, he was upset and felt wronged because his brother denied any involvement and lied to their parents.
At that moment, I remembered a similar incident in my own life that was even more serious than the student’s story. I had once touched and broken my mom’s most cherished pottery displayed in the living room, and out of fear of getting berated, I lied to my mom and blamed it on my younger brother who was even younger and couldn’t speak properly yet.
When I was young, I started telling lies to my parents to avoid getting scolded and to receive praise, and those lies piled up and became a habit, to the point where I didn’t even realize I was lying on a daily basis. I felt pathetic when I realized this about myself. But it’s okay because I meditate every day, and I can let go of this pathetic version of myself. Accepting myself as I am brings peace to my mind. And there is a way to let go of myself, so I have been meditating with the guidance of a meditation expert, and I am gradually changing.
Nowadays, I am striving to perform the tasks assigned to me at work consistently, rather than lying to my boss and colleagues. I have begun to cultivate a willingness to acknowledge my mistakes when they are pointed out to me, rather than using lies to refute them. I want to become a better person than I was yesterday, and I want to be free from the burden of my past. That’s why I reflect on myself and meditate every day. I know that my behavior must change if my mindset is to change. If my daily actions change, my habits change. If my habits change, my life will be bright and hopeful.