‘Before I go to bed, I write my diary. It’s like writing in my diary, looking back on the day I’ve lived, writing down what I need to work on, and being grateful for the many things I’ve received today.
My son and I went to a Starbucks near our house this afternoon to use a Starbucks gift coupon that an acquaintance gave me. I looked around the cafe a bit to find a seat.
I felt a little lost. Isn’t it that my most hated enemy is in a cafe? With my son, I looked around the empty seats, pretended to be seated, and stared at her carefully. She looked like the enemy in my memory, but she wasn’t. After the coffee and cake order was served, I picked up the food on the tray and went back to my seat, watching her closely. Of course, I stole it secretly. She shouldn’t notice me here.
After I was relieved it wasn’t her, I was able to talk to my son. In the corner of my heart, I felt a sense of self-blame and disappointment.
‘You’re weak. You are really pathetic.’
She used to be my best friend. We met in high school and spent our teens and 20s together, and in our 30s, we became frustrated with each other and cut off contact. My feelings for her are fear, sadness, and inferiority. For me, who is always proud of my clean and cheerful personality, she’s like a scary person who’s going to show me my darker side. I’m weak, dependent, and subordinate before her. I would be very upset if she appeared in front of my co-workers, my family, and especially my children.
Recently, as I meditated, things related to her naturally came to mind as I recalled what had happened in the past. I became aware while meditating. I wasn’t over my feelings for her. I saw an illusion of my enemy at Starbucks as I was thinking about getting out of this unnatural mind.
When did I turn into a coward? When did I become proud of myself? Am I a coward and a proud person at the same time? Which is the real me? If I could choose who I really am, I would choose neither. I’m neither humble nor dignified. There are many mes in me, but none of them is the real me.
As I meditated, I realized that many of the minds I have created in my life are false. I threw them away. And I discarded the habits I inherited from my parents. And I threw up the thought that this body was me. I found my true self when I got rid of this karma, these habits, and my body. As the stars in the night sky disappear, there’s the original infinite Universe. This is our true selves.
Today, I am a cowardly person, but I express my heart honestly. Because I believe that tomorrow’s me will definitely be different. Thank you for listening to my story.